LETTING GO (III)July 18, 2014
Derek watched Sara’s face as he walked back to her at the table she got them in the restaurant. Talking to Tamar had proved necessary but he knew although Sara would never admit it, it bothered her that he did.
She could never fool him; one of the perks of dating someone who had such an expressive face is guessing their thoughts accurately. He thought it was sweet that she was jealous and he was going to have fun fluttering her feathers a little.
He joined her at the table, pulled his chair out and sat down. Then he squeezed her hand and deliberately turned to his food knowing very well that she was dying to know about his talk with Tamar.
He concluded that if she did not ask, he would not offer any information.
As if on cue, she said, “so?”
Smiling into his plate, he said dismissively, “she is still as beautiful as ever”.
There was a slight pause after that and Derek would have given anything to know what she was thinking; he knew she was trying to comprehend how he could give such a flip answer to something she considered serious.
When he heard a quiet “okay” from her, it was difficult to hold back his laughter but because he tried to, it came out as a chuckle. Even though he found her struggle with jealousy amusing, he knew he had to try to assuage her fears.
He admitted that it was not her fault she thought he was still hung up on Tamar. What sane person slept with the picture of their ex long after they had broken up?
Still chuckling, he said “is that jealousy I hear? I’ve never hidden the fact that I think she is beautiful from you. But before you start getting all mushy on me, I love you, Sara. I am over Tamar and now, I’m certain.”
“So you were lying to me all the while you told me you had moved on?”, she asked, miffed.
“No, I wasn’t lying but I was just never completely sure considering I haven’t seen her since we broke up. And you would agree with me that you can’t be certain about moving on until you’ve actually seen the person in question”, he replied, watching indecision play over her face.
If he knew Sara well and he thought he did, she wouldn’t be satisfied till she has spoken to Tamar.
Derek was sure he would make a good psychic when she said, “I want to go over and say hi too”. He couldn’t stop it at this point even if he tried, he burst into laughter. “Women! You can never change. I was waiting for you to say that; the pictures were not enough, right?”, he quipped, laughing hysterically.
At her frown, he spread his hands and said “okay, we will when we’re done eating”.
After about twenty minutes, Derek felt like a weight had been dropped off his shoulders as he maneuvered the car towards Sara’s office.
He hoped now that she had spoken to Tamar and satisfied her curiosity, she could forget about it and let them move on with their lives.
Frankly, he could have done without that meeting; he didn’t know if he was the only one that sensed how awkward the scene was. He felt really stupid standing there saying nothing and trying to gauge the reactions of the two women in his life.
Like it or not, Tamar was a part of him because he had loved her as long as he could remember. Before they started dating, they had been best friends; he had spent more time in Tamar’s company than he did with his buddies.
He guessed that was why their break up had been hard to handle. He not only lost the love of his life, he lost his best friend as well.
He looked over at Sara sitting quietly at the passenger’s seat. He knew a riot of thoughts was going through her mind and decided to leave her to it; they both had a lot to ponder on.
He would be only deceiving himself if he denied Tamar came back for him. It was as obvious as a reflection on a mirror. And if he could see it, then he was sure Sara could too and that was what bothered her.
If Tamar was clearly over him, her return would probably not have affected Sara this much. Sara was scared Tamar still had a stake on him and if she tried, she would get him.
And if he was sincere with himself, he could not say if her assumptions were unfounded or not. He wished he could say it would never happen.
He could only hope Tamar would let sleeping dogs lie. Yes, he was over Tamar, no question about that but one couldn’t trust the heart especially with someone like Tamar who knew their strengths and weaknesses.
He decided it would be better if he and Tamar stayed friendly but aloof till he was certain she had decided to let him go. He was almost sure Tamar wouldn’t try anything since she could see he was happy but it was also possible she was a different person now.
Having made that decision, he knew he still had to assure Sara she was the one for him. He looked at her again and said, “whatever you’re thinking, I want you to remember I love you. I also think you’re gorgeous with the most beautiful heart I’ve ever come across.”
She acknowledged him with a smile but said nothing, however he felt better.
Although Tamar had a part of him, his head knew better. Love without common sense is plain infatuation. Love is a balance of the head and the heart; reasoning and feelings; logic and emotions.
Sara had the approval of both his head and his heart; she was the one for him. And there was no way he was letting go of peace and certainty for uncertainty and a tumultuous feeling.