Do you keep attracting the wrong men?
Do you keep wondering why your case is different while your friends and family are finding love and happiness?
Well, the first thing I want to assure you of is that it is not your fault those men are like that; they are like that because that’s who they are.
There is nothing you are doing wrong. With the right man, you would have seen that you are not at fault.
However, while we cannot control the behaviour of others, we can do something about ours. What are the reasons you attract the wrong men? That is the question you need to ask yourself.
But you might not know the changes you need to make, so I will be discussing that in this post.
And at the end of this post, you should be able to find which of the reasons highlighted here relates to your situation.
The Major Reasons You Attract the Wrong Men
You Don’t Know Who You Are
Besides your name and certain details about yourself, do you actually know who you are?
Now, I do believe we cannot totally know who we are or what we are capable of but do you, at least, have an idea?
Do you know your values? The ones you hold strongly and cannot compromise? And those you are willing to sacrifice or compromise?
Do you know what you want to do in life?
All of these questions are important.
If you don’t know who you are, you are likely to give every Tom, Dick and Harry access to you.
But if you know who you are, the only people you will grant access to are like-minds and those who will add value to your life.
It takes an understanding of who you are to restrict your space to the right people for you.
You Don’t Know What You Want
How do you get what you want when you are not even clear about what you want?
Sometimes, especially for women, we are so caught up with the idea of finding love that we’ve never actually considered what kind of relationship we want; we just want a relationship.
But it is not enough to just have any relationship; you want to be with the right person, you want to find love.
And till you can identify what that means to you, you will keep giving room for the wrong people.
Based on the first point, you need to first find out who you are before you can identify the kind of man that fits the kind of person you are.
For instance, if you are a feminist, you will want a man who agrees with your feminist views or if you are a Christian, you won’t want to be with a non-Christian.
His personality or character trait also matters; what characters do you want in your ideal man?
And what character traits don’t you want? What would you consider red flags?
You need to answer these questions and note your answers down, either in written form or mentally.
This is so that when men come around you, you can easily figure out the one for you based on who you are looking for, what you want to see in him and what you absolutely cannot take.
ALSO READ: RED FLAGS TO WATCH OUT FOR IN A RELATIONSHIP
You Need a Relationship
Don’t get confused; you are probably wondering why this is a point considering you do in fact, want a relationship.
But can you see how I said, “need” a relationship instead of “want” a relationship, which is what this is about?
There is nothing wrong with desiring to be loved and wanting a companion; that’s completely natural.
The problem comes when you believe you cannot function without one; when you are desperate for a relationship and you don’t feel complete because you are single.
The desperation will not make you sieve out the wheat from the chaff; you are likely to give in to anybody that comes your way because you don’t want to be alone.
You need to be comfortable being alone, you need to find happiness alone, so anybody that is not coming to add value to your life will be shunned immediately.
Remember wanting a relationship is not the problem; being desperate for one is the problem.
The truth is that even if you do find a good man, you might frustrate him with your constant need for validation from him.
You Are Looking for A Perfect Person
This is usually very tricky to preach because people find it hard balancing having standards and having an expectation for perfection.
Let’s get this out of the way; nobody is perfect and if you are looking for an example of an imperfect person, all you have to do is look into the mirror.
Now, imagine if someone wrote you off as the wrong woman because of your flaws.
That’s the same way you shouldn’t completely write people off for having flaws if they are not red flags or values you hold dear.
And even for values, make sure it is actually serious and not something flimsy like looks or wealth.
For instance, some people’s value is that their man must earn in six figures.
That’s totally unrealistic.
Am I saying you cannot find a man who does?
But if you turn down all the great guys you meet because they don’t earn in six figures, that might be one of the reasons you attract the wrong men.
Have standards; you should definitely not be with a man who deliberately hurts you but also manage your expectations of perfection; that kind of man – or woman doesn’t exist.
You Have a Low Self Esteem
Another reason why you might attract the wrong men is that you don’t think you deserve a good man.
But here is the deal; you are amazing, you are great, you are loved, you were specially created by God, a lot of thought was put into your creation.
In case nobody has ever told you that, you need to believe it.
That’s the only way you will demand to be treated with the respect you deserve.
Don’t short-change yourself by giving yourself to these men who are not worth a second of your time.
You deserve the best; always remember that.
ALSO READ: WAYS TO BUILD YOUR SELF-CONFIDENCE
You Romanticise Bad Boys
There are two things involved; it is either you enjoy the excitement and thrill that comes with dating a bad boy or you think you have the magic touch that will make the bad boy change.
Let’s address the latter first.
Now, am I saying bad boys don’t change at all?
Not at all.
I’m sure there are instances where a bad boy felt the girl was worth it and decided to change.
However, it probably happens more often in movies/books than it does in reality; so, you might want to save yourself the heartache of thinking you can change him.
For the former, I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that the excitement never lasts. When all is said and done, what lasts is his character.
The living life on the edge, arrogance and good dress sense does get old and you will need a man that is thoughtful, cares for you and is there for you.
And really, you can teach your good guy the “bad boy traits” you love so much.
You can pick out his clothes or teach him to be more romantic, adventurous and all that but kindness cannot be learnt or, at least, it is more difficult to learn that.
You Have Baggage from Your Past
If you still have unresolved issues, the hard truth is that they might be the reason why you are attracting the wrong men.
The issues probably affect your self-esteem and make you choose men who don’t deserve you or they have made you jaded.
Either way, baggage from the past is a clear indication that you are probably not ready for a relationship now.
You should concentrate on working on the issues either through a therapist or counsellor before considering a relationship.
Trust me, I know what it is like to resist certain truths because they are uncomfortable, but we can only truly change when we accept we need to.
And if the way we are used to is not working; it is only expected that we find another way.
That’s what this post hopes to do; make you take a hard look and do something about the reasons you attract the wrong men.